Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 17

Episode 17

Sonichu, Issue #0

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Dave: so thats it? no witty diatribe or contrived setups today? we review sonichu or the universe explodes?

Future!Dave: pretty much. i mean i spent hours making that video look as shitty as possible not to mention finding a moron gullible enough to actually sing for me.

Dave: i can live with that. lets get this train wreck rollin already.

Karkat: OH NOOO NOT YET. JAKE STILL HAS TO DO THAT SPEECH OF HIS WHERE HE USES A LOT OF INTELLECTUAL GIBBERISH TO TALK ABOUT HOW SONICHU IS THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD.

Jake: Actually guys... i don't really care for sonichu all that much.

Karkat: WAIT, WHAT? THERE'S SERIOUSLY SOMETHING OUT THERE THAT YOU DON'T LIKE?

Jake: Yes, well... the thing is written by a man name christian weston chandler, a man with big dreams, a  small work ethic and an even smaller creativity... thing. He is the epitome of the 30 year old manchild who lives with his mother, combining the worst aspects of the stereotypical fanboy and an autistic- no, wait, a insensitive parody of an autistic person. Like if sheldon cooper had the intelligence and physique of the average family guy writer.

Pinkie Pie: Zing! ^-^

Jake: I point this out because chris is not only the author of sonichu, but he's also a main character within the series itself, who become the main character after the first couple issues. To make matters worse, he has a very long list of neurosis ranging from believing his grade-school level art is good enough to publish to thinking that anything that is ever written anywhere inhabits some kind of "toon world" dimension. In fact the only neurosis that i think is justfied is his paranoia, as his colossal ego has attracted a large following of internet trolls (not to be confused with the alternian trolls we all know and love), who love to prey on his naivete (which is funny, because chris may or my not understand what "naive" actually means). I would go on, but i'm just one man and honestly the internet troll-made CWCki (pronounced "quickie") does a much better job at cataloguing this man's life than i ever could. but i should warn you; though much nicer than encyclopedia dramatica and other troll sites the cwciki is very Not Safe For Work (i apologize for borrowing your color by the way, dave). I originally didn't want to do this review because i didn't want this guy to attract more attention than he already has. But then i realized that chris's failure in life can be used as a teaching tool, as it shows just what kind of a wreck an autistic person can become if he is coddled all his life instead of working with professionals to try and overcome it. So while i don't condone trolling the poor man (even if chris does deserve most of what happens to him) at the same time i can't condemn them for keeping a records. also the last thing i need is to make friends with or enemies of internet trolls, as the resulting inter-fandom flame war would probably leave no survivors.

Dave: sad but true.

Jake: Today we'll be reading "issue 0" of the sonichu saga, back when the series was actually about it's title character instead of being a vehicle for chris voice his dissatisfaction of his own life. So let's begin, shall we?

Karkat: HEY, TIME-COP. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO STICK AROUND AND SNARK WITH US, ARE YOU?

Future!Dave: nah. i've already done this. and now that the time loops complete i gotta get back to my own period.

Karkat: GOOD. TRACKING TWO KINDS OF RED TEXT *AGAIN* WOULD HAVE BEEN A NIGHTMARE.

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Dave: lets start with the cover. if theres such a thing as comic book school you could write an entire curriculum off this piece of shit. the teacher just needs to hold up to the class and say "you see this cover? just do the opposite of what this guy did and youre golden." hell making a sweet bro and hella jeff comic out of this would probably improve it.

Karkat: IF A LITTLE KID DREW THIS, MAYBE THIS WOULD BE CHARMING. BUT THIS GUY WAS IN HIS 20S.

Jake: ...well to be fair, chris is an amateur with no formal training in art, of course his frist comic is going to suck. El Goonish Shiv, Questionable Content, and even Penny Arcade all looked really sucky when they first started out. Thing is though, his art never evolves all that much. Compare this page from issue 10 to... well, anything else in this issue. And again, an unchanging art style isn't always a bad thing. Hell, dinosuar comics has gone nearly 10 years without any art changes. I don't mind that chris has an unconventional art style, i care more about the content.

Karkat: BUT EVEN IF YOU CAN GET PAST THE POOR COMPOSITION, TERRIBLE LINEART, HEADACHE-INDUCING COLORING, ABYSMAL BACKGROUNDS UNREADABLE TITLE, YOU'RE STILL LEFT WITH THE UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS LINE "ZAP TO THE EXTREME" FOLLOWED BY THE UNINTENTIONALLY CREEPY IMAGE OF A SONIC RIPOFF CALLING SOME GUY HIS "FATHER".

Dave: oh and just in case the annoying copyright logo on the cover wasnt enough to hammer in the fact that the author is paranoid about people stealing his stuff get a load of this.

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Karkat: OH SO IT'S A PARODY. I GUESS THAT MAKES EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT THEN.

Jake: While parodies are technically covered under "fair use", as we'll see in a moment the story expects us to take the premise completely seriously. Plus i think nintendo and sega would mind someone copyrighting a character explicitly based on two of their properties.

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Pinkie: I am Pinkamenia Diane Pie, character in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, and this is Jake's review show and nothing less! ^-^

Dave: and thanks for spoiling sonic adventure 1 for us by the way.

Karkat: I KNOW THIS IS NITPICKING, BUT WHY IS A CITY NAMED "STATION SQUARE" IN THE FIRST PLACE? IT'S LIKE IF NEW YORK WAS GIVEN THE NAME "AN INTERSECTION WITH SOME BUILDINGS OR SOMETHING". JUST SAYING.

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Pinkie: Hey look, a giant blue monster is terrorizing the city! Maybe he'll be friends with me! doop dee doop de doo! ^-^

Karkat: ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE, CHRIS FAILS AT SEQUENTIAL ART. FOREVER.  HERE, TAKE A LOOK; THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE WAY CHRIS WANTS US TO READ THE PAGE:

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Karkat: AND THIS IS THE WAY OUR EYES ARE TRAINED TO READ IT:

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Karkat: BUT MAYBE I'M WRONG; I MEAN I DON'T DRAW COMICS SO WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT LAYOUTS?

Dave: but as an expert on shitty comics even i understand the importance of proper panel layout. i mean if the audience cant follow the page layout how the hell will they appreciate the shitty art and nonsensical plot??  plus theres no sense of movement. which is fine if thats what he was going for but i mean the way he drew it looks like theres multiple pikachus and sonics running around and that cant be right.

Jake: Aaaandd for an "introductory #0 issue" this isn't doing a good job of introducing us to anything, im sorry to say, especially since beating a now-vintage video game is apparently required to understand the context.

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Karkat: SO AS FAR AS I CAN TELL, SONIC TRANSFORMED INTO HIS SUPER FORM TO FIGHT THE FINAL BOSS OF SONIC ADVENTURE, WHEN SUDDENLY THIS PIKACHU PUTS HIMSELF IN THE RUNNING FOR A DARWIN AWARD BY *STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DAMN THING*.

Pinkie: Om nom nom, "The End"!  ^o^

Karkat: ...BUT INSTEAD OF NATURE TAKING IT COURSE, THE IDIOT PIKACHU IS SAVED BY SONIC... KISSING HIM?

Dave: christian weston chandler would like to remind you to stay straight. no. seriously. the guy is a complete homophobe and he actually said that as well as alot of much worse things about homos dying in explosions and shit. 

Jake: ...anyway, this collision between Super Sonic and a pikachu causes a mystical rainbow to appear, which strikes a oddly-colored raichu (pikachu's evolved form).

Dave: yep thats totally straight chris.

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Dave: surprise. all the dialogue is written in comic sans.

Jake: Possible unintentional subtext aside, this rainbow causes the pikachu and the raichu to undergo a "shocking" transformation...

Dave: boooooooooo.

Jake: ...into new, anthropomorphic forms.

Karkat: OBLIGATORY FURRY JOKE.

Jake: I must admit, i do think this idea has some merit. After all, pokemon are basically enslaved by humans, yet most pokemon themselves accept this and even grow to love their master despite displaying signs of human or at least near-human levels intelligence. It would be interesting to see how the mon/trainer dynamic would change should a pokemon suddenly gain the power of speech, or at the very least how a pokemon's submissive personality would translate into real life.

Karkat: BUT DON'T EXPECT ANY OF THAT HERE; AFTER THIS ISSUE THE GIRL TRAINER IS ALMOST NEVER SEEN AGAIN. 

Dave: and yeah some have pointed out that in the games only male raichu have pointed tails. but one this story was made before pokemon got different graphics for different genders and two stop ignoring the little problems when theres so many big problems to rant about.

Karkat: WAIT FOR IT...

Karkat: YEAH, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN READ THAT PINK-ON-BLUE-AND-YELLOW MESS, BUT THAT'S SUPPOSED TO SAY "ROSECHU". NEVERMIND THAT LITTLE CAPTION THAT SAYS "ZAPBUD", AND THAT THE FLOWER IN QUESTION LOOKS NOTHING LIKE A ROSE.

Pinkie: I wonder, if she said "as beautiful as a pumpkin", do you think she'd be called "Pumpkinchu"? ^_^

Dave: one can only hope.

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Karkat: NOW THAT HE'S A FREAKISH MUTANT, THE NEWLY-REBORN "SONICHU" (BECAUSE THAT'S OBVIOUSLY WHAT HE'S GOING TO BE CALLED") JUMPS AROUND SOME POORLY DRAWN BACKDROPS BEFORE LEAPING RIGHT IN FRONT OF CHAOS IN HOPES THAT THE MONSTER WILL PUT AN END TO HIS SUFFERING.

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Pinkie: Just kidding! What really happens is that Sonichu helps super sonic by blasting Perfect Chaos with a Thunder attack!

Dave: and i just love it how the real sonic is completely ignoring him. hes all like oh another shitty recolor? must be tuesday.

Karkat: ALSO, APPARENTLY THE BUILDINGS HAVE ALL BECOME MELTED CRAYONS. GREAT JOB SAVING THE CITY, SONIC!

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Dave: so then they fly around for a panel or something and then the monster realizes its in sonichu and promptly commits suicide. for his efforts sonic is rewarded with cheers from a carapiece nudist colony.

Jake: Thankfully, despite what karkat said about spoiling the end of sonic adventure 1, the comic skips right past the games' spoiler-heavy ending, instead taking time to show the transformed pikachu coming to grips with his new form.

Karkat: UNFORTUNATELY THIS IS MORE OR LESS WHERE THIS SUBPLOT ENDS. A TIMESKIP OR SO LATER AND EVERYONE SEEMS TO FORGET HE WAS EVER A POKEMON IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Karkat: ALSO, IS IT JUST ME OR DOES THIS POSE LOOK KINDA FAMILIAR?

Dave: youre just paranoid.

Dave: tune in? how exactly do you tune in to a comic book? are you trying to imply that comic books are the manifestations of metaphysical wavelengths that could conceivably represent any idea in the metaverse or does your cartoon-addled mind think that's a cute way of saying that we could be reading something else?

Karkat: AND FURTHERMORE, WHAT'S WITH YOUR BLATANT SELF-INSERT NARRATING EVERYTHING? WHO EVEN USES SELF-INSERTS ANYWAY?

Dave: andrew hussie for one thing.

Karkat: WELL YEAH, THERE'S HIM...

Jake: Not to mention grant morrison, warren ellis, franz kafka, chaucer, dante, hunter s. thompson, mark twain, kurt vonnegut, oscar wilde, miguel de cervantes... 

Karkat: OKAY OKAY I GET IT, AUTHOR AVATARS HAVE BEEN DONE WELL BEFORE. BUT FOR THE RECORD, THIS IS HOW CHRIS SEES HIMSELF:

Karkat: AND THIS IS WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE IN REAL LIFE:

Karkat: SEE THE DIFFERENCE?

Dave: oh i forgot to mention. beyond the first few pages this comic is needlessly verbose. its like subnormality's evil twin. or mabey just its annoying cousin who does nothing but talk about 90s cartoons and still lives in his mothers basement. so for the sake of beverity i had my bro invent an linguistic contractificator.

Jake: Does it really work?

Dave: lets find out. hey kanrki what do you think about the election?

Kankri: [VERY LONG RANT THAT WOULD PROBABLY GET ME A LOT OF HATE MAIL FROM THE REPUBLICAN, DEMOCRATIC, COMMUNIST, AND TEA PARTIES]

TRANSLATION: "I AM A PRETENTIOUS DOUCHEBAG."

Dave: yep. it works.

TRANSLATION: "I AM A PRETENTIOUS DOUCHEBAG."

Dave: wait. you promised your other hedgehogs? i cant tell if youre deluded enough that you think kids who still think cartoon characters are real will actually read this thing or if youre insane enough to be hearing voices in your head.

TRANSLATION: "I AM A PRETENTIOUS DOUCHEBAG."

Karkat: YEAH, I THINK WE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU "MAN". OR AT LEAST WE WOULD IF YOU COULD DRAW A TITLE IMAGE WE COULD ACTUALLY READ.

Karkat: CWCVILLE? HOW DO YOU EVEN PRONOUNCE THAT? WHY IS A TOWN NAMED AFTER THE AUTHOR'S INITIALS? 

TRANSLATION: "I AM A PRETENTIOUS DOUCHEBAG."

Jake: ...are you sure this machine of yours is working properly? 

Dave: honestly i have no idea.

Karkat: SO AFTER THIS WE GET A CHARACTER PROFILE OF SONICHU. NEEDLESS TO SAY IT FITS EVERY 90'S CARTOON CLICHE ALMOST AS IF THE AUTHOR WAS FOLLOWING SOME SORT OF CHECKLIST.

Dave: i find it funny that sonichu is apparently an athletic type when the guy who writes him probably hasn't left his room in years.

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Jake: The next page introduces us to some more characters from chris' imagination. In addition to rosechu and her trainer, we are also intorudced to antagonists Naitshrhc and Black Sonichu.

Dave: true fact. the guy who wrote this has been trying to get laid for the past ten years. given that this is how he sees the female gender im really not surprised.

Karkat: OH I GET IT, HIS NAME IS "CHRISTIAN" SPELLED BACKWARDS. THAT'S SO FUNNY I FORGOT TO LAUGH.

Jake: I should point out that canonically the pokemon villain giovanni does have a son. The player gets to choose his name, but the fandom refers to him as "???" or "silver". He was the player's rival in pokemon gold and silver, though his relationship to giovanni wasn't officially confirmed until the remakes. But the fact that they both have red hair is probably a coincidence, as later versions of Naitsirhc made him look more like chris.

Pinkie: Wow, and I thought Shadow the Hedgehog's origin was contrived! -_-

Karkat: *GENES*. *DONT*. *WORK THAT WAY*.

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Dave: and then oh god another profile panel full of sonic recolors.

Karkat: THE SAD THING IS THAT DESPITE BEING RECOLORS OF A RECOLOR, THEY SOUND MORE INTERESTING THAN THE MAIN CHARACTER. I MEAN THEY'RE STILL PAPER-THIN STEREOTYPES-

Dave: especially that squinty eyed asian stereotype.

Karkat: -BUT AT LEAST IN THEORY THEY HAVE ACTUAL PERSONALITIES. WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR OUR LEADS. 

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Karkat: AND GUESS WHAT'S ON THE NEXT PAGE? MORE SONIC RECOLORS!

Pinkie: You'd think he would have run out of colors by now. ^_^

Jake: We won't cover these people in too much detail; flame the sunbird doesn't show up untill issue 3, chris-chan sonichu is simply the "super form" of chris' author avatar, and sarhamah and wes-li don't show up untill issue 2. I will say, however, that the last two are based on people chris knew in real life.

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Dave: and finally we have one last profile page. at least this one doesnt have any more recolors.

Karkat: THIS IS A COMPLETE LIE. HALF THE COMIC IS CENTERED AROUND FIGHTING THESE MORONS, AND ONE OF THEM IS SUPPOSED TO BE CHRIS' DEAN OF STUDENT AFFAIRS. IF YOU REALLY WOULDN'T "GIVE TWO CENTS" OR WHATEVER IDIOM YOU'RE TRYING TO USE, WHY DID YOU MAKE THEM MAJOR VILLAINS?!

Dave: the rest of the profile is kind of inane but get a load of this bit;

Dave: yeah im sure that the girls will come flocking to you now chris.

Jake: To be fair, chris' search for companionship is a major theme in his works, along with the desire for acceptance and personal revenge fantasies. Though i do admit he could be a bit more subtle about it.

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Karkat: SO AFTER THAT NONSENSE WE MOVE ONTO BIGGER NONSENSE, I.E. "GENESIS OF THE LOVEHOGS".

Dave: i admit its kind of clever using the sega genesis logo but thats about all i can say.

Karkat: IT STARTS WITH MARTY-CHU DOING HIS BEST BIGFOOT IMPRESSION, FOLLOWED BY A WHINING SESSION THAT WOULD MAKE ERIDAN BLUSH.

Dave: he then spots rosechu just standing around or something. and like the hormonally charged idiot he is sonichu immediately falls in love with her.

Karkat: SO HE DOES THE ONLY THING THAT SEEMS NATURAL AND STALKS HER. OUR HERO, EVERYBODY!

Pinkie:
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find meeeeeeeeeeee~ 

somebody to loooooooooooooove?

^0^

Dave: i see somebodys been listening to my queen albums.

Dave: hot skitty on whalelord action aside note that raichu and dragonite arn't even in the same egg group.

Dave: oh literal metaphors. you never fail to disappoint. 

Karkat: SO AS YOU CAN IMAGINE THEY HIT IT OFF REALLY QUICKLY, EVEN BY HUMAN STANDARDS.

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Pinkie: But then Sonichu discovers the awful truth; that love causes Rosechu to transform into a terrible, two-headed abomination! ^o^

Dave: as cool as that would have been what actually happens is that we get cheezy dialogue and then what do you know theyre suddenly a couple.

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Karkat: AS A MAN WHO TAKES HIS ROM-COMS SERIOUSLY THIS RELATIONSHIP IS AN UTTER DISGRACE. THERE'S NO CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, ONLY EXPOSITION ON WHO'S PAIRED WITH WHO. WE DON'T GET ANY FURTHER INSIGHT INTO WHAT THESE CHARACTERS' ARE LIKE OR WHAT CHEMISTRY THEY SHARE. EVEN ZOOKEEPER, ONE OF THE MOST BANAL ROM-COMS OF ALL TIME, MAKES IT A POINT TO ESTABLISH THE MAIN CHARACTER AS A CLUMSY BUT WELL MEANING UNDERDOG, HIS MAIN LOVE INTEREST AS A SUPERFICIAL BIMBO, AND HIS SECONDARY LOVE INTEREST AS AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO CARES ABOUT WHAT'S REALLY INSIDE. THIS STORY FAILS TO CAPTURE EVEN THAT LEVEL OF CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.

Pinkie: You actually saw that movie?

Karkat: YES I DID NOW SHUT UP.

Dave: as you can well imagine the next few stories aren't much better.

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Dave: first of all we have a battle between sonichu and Naitsirhc.

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Dave: then we have a brief 25 years later thing that eliminates any possibility that the main characters might actually be in mortal peril.

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Dave: then we have a lame fight with saweel the witch.

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Dave: and then we have a lamer fight with saweel the witch and some goons she picked up at the supervillain dollar store.

Karkat: REALLY, WE COULD GO ON ABOUT THIS ALL DAY BUT AFTER A WHILE WE'D BEGIN TO SOUND LIKE A BROKEN RECORD, SO WE'RE NOT GOING TO TALK TOO MUCH ABOUT THE,. THEY'RE ALL REDUNDANT AND CHILDISH, EACH SHARING THE SAME THREE PROBLEMS THAT THE FIRST COUPLE STORIES HAD.

Karkat: TERRIBLE ART,

Karkat: TERRIBLE CHARACTERS,

Karkat: AND A TERRIBLE STORY.

Dave: not to mention advertisements for games that don't exist and never will.

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Jake: The only story in this anthology that comes close to being clever is a segment chris calls "sub-episode 1: jerkop-tastropie", and it's about an anime-esq battle between chris a mall security guard who wants to kick him out for loitering. Taken at face value the story is extremely stupid and nonsensical. But if one keeps in mind that this is supposed to be a heavily embellished retelling of an event from chris' own life, it paints us a picture of a very bitter, egocentric person who buried himself in his own little fantasy world... except that wasn't intentional; Chris has stated repeatedly that he expects the audience to sympathize with his character. 

Karkat: NOTE THAT HIS METHODS OF ATTRACTING A "BOYFRIEND-FREE GIRL" HAVE INCLUDED; CARRYING AROUND A SIGN THAT BASICLY SAYS "BE MY GIRLFRIEND", WEARING A SPORTS BRA THAT SAYS "WANT WOMAN", AND A STUPID IDEA HE GOT FROM EXCEL SAGA OF ALL THINGS WHERE HE "FISHED" FOR A GIRLFRIEND BY THROWING PAPER HEARTS ATTACHED TO A RED STRING AT PEOPLE. I AM  UCKING SERIOUS ABOUT THAT.

Jake: Oh i forgot to mention; chris has an irrational fear of girls already having boyfriends. He calls this "noviophobia", which he derived from the Spanish word for "girlfriend", and blames it on his "infinitely high boyfriend factor" (whatever that means).

Dave: maybe the reason you cant find a quote boyfreind-free girl unquote is because your mere existence is causing girls to want to find boyfriends before they end up stuck with you.

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Karkat: SO AS YOU CAN PROBABLY IMAGINE, CHRIS' WHINING ATTRACTS THE ATTENTION OF A MALL SECURITY GUARD, WHO IS BADLY DRAWN EVEN BY THIS COMIC'S STANDARDS.

Dave: i especially love how even chris wasn't sure which order the panels should go so he drew arrows to remind himself.

Pinkie: Based on a true story! ^0^

Karkat: I FIND IT A LITTLE HARD TO BELIEVE THAT THE SECURITY GUARD ACTUALLY SAID THAT.

Jake: The thing about chris's "sub-episodes" is that they are set in an exaggerated version of reality based on his own perceptions, i.e. a world where things really are what he imagines they are like. This means that, while in the real world chris's "love quest" is melodramatic and misguided security guards are just doing their jobs and chris is an overweight loser, in the imaginary world this comic takes place in the "love quest" is a noble endeavor, the security guards are actively trying to stop him from finding true love, and chris is a dogged nice guy on a grand adventure.

Dave: chris is outraged by this turn of events and tries to scare the guart away by making his hair stick up while throwing names at him.

Karkat: NICE GOING THERE, CHRIS. I'M SURE CALLING THE GUARD A "JERKOP" WILL TOTALLY CONVINCE HIM TO LET YOU STAY.

Dave: this plan doesnt work so the cop calls his goons to fight chris.

Karkat: WAIT... THEY CALL THEMSELVES "JERKOPS"? IS THAT THEIR OFFICIAL JOB TITLE? WHAT KIND OF MALL ADVERTISES THE FACT THAT THEIR GUARDS ARE JERKS?!

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Dave: well i hope theyre not being paid much. they dont seem to be very good at their jobs.

Pinkie: With the odds stacked against him, chris pulls out his portable deus-ex-machina- oops, I mean "Sonichu Medallion", and transforms into...

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Pinkie: ....dun dun da daaaaaaaaaaaa! Chris-Chan Sonichu! ^-^

Karkat: ...REALLY? A FURSUIT TRANSFORMATION?

Dave: my god. its finally happened. people have made so many sonic recolors that chris went all the way back to using sonic's original colors.

Dave: i dont know whats worse. that he's doing a shout out to the c&c music factory or that he honestly thinks that an extremely campy line sung by a high-pitched male voice would make a good one liner. serously. even todd ingram has better one liners than you.

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Karakt: FORTUNATELY  TO MAKE THINGS SLIGHTLY LESS ONE-SIDED, THE GUARD PERFORMS WHATEVER THE OPPOSITE OF A DEUS-EX-MACHINA IS AND PUTS ON A SUIT OF ROBOT ARMOR.

Karkat: OF COURSE CHRIS BEING THE MARY SUE HE IS, IT DOESN'T REALLY HELP.

Jake: The pair of combatants continue to trade blows, until a well-placed thunderbolt strikes a weakpoint in the jerkop's armor.

Karkat: "IF ONLY MY ARMS AND LEGS WEREN'T SO CRIPPLINGLY SHORT AND STUBBY AND I WASN'T HALF-BEAN BAG CHAIR!"

Dave: and despite the fact that chris just beat up a dozen guy and destroyed a giant robot suit with his bare hands the guard thinks he can somehow kill chris with his tiny and incredibly phallic gun.

Dave: spoiler alert. he can't.

Pinkie: SYMBOLISM!!!! ^0^

Karkat: ."FUZZY-WUZZYS GET YOU HUGS; PRICKLY-WICKLIES GIVE YOU..." *WHAT*?!

Pinkie: Even I wouldn't say something that silly-willy... *_*

Dave: im guessing its a saying that his mom or kindergarten teacher taught him. its kinda cool actually. it makes him sound like one of those serial killers who ironically sing nursery rhymes as they dismember people.

Jake: I do find the pun clever, though. After all, he did give chris a "slug" (that is, a bullet) eh wot?

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Karkat: SO IN RETALIATION, CHRIS RIPS OFF THAT ANIME ATTACK THAT WAS NAMED AFTER A HAWAIIAN KING, WHICH WE ONLY GET TO SEE ON A PAGE THAT WE NEED TO TURN ON IT'S SIDE TO READ. I DON'T USUALLY MIND THESE TOO MUCH, BUT TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THAT THE EXTRA SPACE ISN'T WORTH IT.

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Karkat: THE FUCK...?! ARE YOU SAYING THIS GUY WAS ACTUALLY MARRIED? AND HAD KIDS? AND HE REALLY WAS JUST DOING HIS JOB, EVEN IN-UNIVERSE?

Jake: Indeed. And this is why I think that the humble security guard is the real hero of this tale.

Dave: and now lets ruin the drama the same way they ruined star wars episode 3.

Pinkie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *0*

Karkat:

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Dave: so after what seems like freakin forever our comic finally closes with mr cwcster sending an email message to his alleged girlfriend thanking her for not being an internet troll trying to pull an elaborate prank... even though thats exactly what she actually turns out to be.

Jake: This page wasn't part of the original version of the comic. It was instead added later as one of the many retcons chris made in response to, erm, "fan" criticism. While i give points to chris for trying to foreshadow future events, i condemn him for making an attempt that is so  ham-fisted that it would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

===Meanwhile, at... well they're somewhere, I guess.===

Caliborn: OH MAN THIS DEATH TRAP I MADE THAT WOuLD BACKFIRE HORRIBLY IF THE SLIGHTEST THING WENT WRONG IS GOING TO BE SOOOOOOOOOO AWESOME. I MEAN IT HAS LAVA AND EXPLOSIONS AND MuTANT SCORPIONS AND ZOMBIES AND SWAMP MONSTERS AND ALL SORTS OF OTHER THINGS THAT ARE BOTH uNPREDICATABLE AND EXTREPELY DIFFICuLT TO STOP IF THEY BREAK LOOSE. THAT SuRE WOuLD SuCK AM I RIGHT?

Sho Minamimoto = √(Yeah, and it's a good thing Gamzee's doing all the calculations in his head, cuz' paper can be lost, or you could spill soda on it like some kinda yoctogram. Man, if that happened we might make a mistake redoing all those equations again.)

Gamzee Makara: HeY GuYs, WhAt's tHiS LiTtLe "-" sYmBoL MeAn? It kEePs bEiNg uSeD AnD I HaVe nO MoThErFuCkInG ClUe wHaT It dOeS.

*RUMBLE*

Sho Minamimoto = √(Son of a digit! That must be the swamp monsters breaking out of their cages after being bitten by the zombified scorpions!)

Caliborn: HOW COuLD WE HAVE NOT SEEN THIS COMIIIIIIIIINNNNNNG!

===Wow that was dumb. Moving on: ===

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Jake: Originally, immediately after the Jerkop's defeat there was a page where chris explained not only what a "shin/curse-ya-ha-me-ha" actually was), but he also gave a warped Kirk Summation where he tries to explain why he is somehow the moral victor in this scenario.

Dave: it also has a random exposition dump for something called an s chu ball which is apparently for capturing shitty sonic recolors.

Karkat: NOTE THAT THERE ARE ONLY ABOUT A COUPLE DOZEN "SONICHUS" IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, MAKING THIS POKEBALL COMPLETELY USELESS NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF THE TIME.

Jake: So that's the end of the comic. What did you guys think?

Pinkie: It was kind of dumb... *_*

Karkat: TERRIBLE.

Dave: i give it a 6.5 out of 10 for subpar visuals and limited replay value.

Karkat: SO HOW DID THIS STOP THE UNIVERSE FROM EXPLODING, ANYWAY?

Dave: it didnt. future me was just fooling you guys.

Karkat: ...WHAT?!

Dave: yeah this was kind of my plan all along. to go back in time and feed you guys some bullshit story about the universe exploding so that youd read sonichu. and you all fell for it like sweet bro down a flight of stairs.

Jake: ...I guess you got me there, strider! A fine jest, that was!

Pinkie: I am in awe of your skill! Teach me your ways, oh grand master! <> -_- <>

Karkat: ...WHY DO I HANG OUT WITH YOU, AGAIN?

Dave: because only i have the antidote.

Karkat: ...WHAT ANTIDOTE? 

Dave: maybe ill tell you once i finish closing the time loop. and maybe take a quick trip to the bahamas. well see what happens.

***TIME TRAVEL NOISES***

Karkat: *STRIDERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!*

DETECTIVE